The Path Home

I've spend some time thinking about a blog post regarding my 30th birthday, which I celebrated a little over a week ago. Since I've spent most of my late 20s questioning my decisions, mistakes, successes, and failures, I wanted to truly find the positive in the last 30 years.

After a weekend with my two best friends from high school, I was reminded of how far I've actually come from my adolescence. I dreamt of success in the BIG city. Of course, my idea of success back then was big buildings with glass doors, business suits with stripes, and climbing my way up the ladder of life. Over the past three years, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't shake the word failure out of every conversation I had regarding my professional life and wondered if I would ever truly succeed.

My definition of success had to change. Truth is I'm exactly where I want to be. I've have a great job with exciting and new tasks that keep me busy. My colleagues are young professionals full of energy and love for all things Chicago. I rent the tiniest of studios in a lovely neighborhood in a city with the richest of histories. My roommate and cat, April, keeps me smiling on the long days. Most importantly, I have fallen in love with the kindest, sweetest person I have ever met. Pat reminds me (almost daily) of how far I have come and I'm excited to see where this Chicago adventure will lead us.

This city has welcomed me with opened arms (besides those parking tickets) and is truly a place I call home. It hasn't been an easy 30 years, but it has led me to this moment and I am grateful to whatever Power has made this journey possible

I put the pen down.

I put the pen down.

In the middle of my work day, I thought, "Why did I ever stop writing?"

What once was a go-to activity in the evening hours has become pages and pages of words written in my head that I did not want to extend to paper. To have a track record of the past two years would be difficult for me. It's still difficult for me to even think about.

Not to mention the constant deleting of sentences and words while typing out my thoughts and memories. Fear of the wrong placement of a comma or a run-on sentence instead of letting the thoughts flow from my finger tips.

I stopped writing because I didn't like my thoughts becoming permanent. I began to censor so much of who I was so I wouldn't disappoint the people around me. I stopped writing because I wasn't so positive anymore. I got a kick to the gut and the wind knocked out of me. It's still hard to breathe.

I'm going to stop writing. For now.

A Letter To Heaven

Dr. Wallace,

I was in the CSD newsletter that you were retiring after this semester. I read it thinking, "I'm going to send JAW an email to wish him well." and I never did. In my busy and unemployed life, I didn't stop to thank you. I wish I could remember all the questions and conversations of our time together during my two years at EIU, but I don't. What I do remember is that you were soft spoken and humble and sweet and kind and smart. You were living in the middle of IL, away from family, to support us and create experiences for us to grow. You weren't perfect--you were forgetful, a bit of procrastinator, unorganized and your office was always a mess. You were you. You taught me by example that I didn't have to be perfect to succeed, because we all have our own roads of getting to where we need to be. You have touched many lives, simply by being a good man.

Keeping up with the changes...

Wow. It certainly has been awhile, but in my defense I don't have internet at my place and it's hard to get to a coffee shop...mainly on the weekends, but my downtime is pretty limited these days.

I see a glimpse of my former self and I can't help but get excited. Then the doubts enters and I start thinking about how I WAS successful. I WAS happy. I WAS a professional and perhaps I peaked too soon. My head wraps around student development theories, leadership development, old presentations, "why I got into student affairs" essays, and the very basic love of what I used to do. hm, what I "used" to do. I hate saying that. It's been a long recovery, but I'm ready and happy to move forward and this time I actually think it's possible.

I've seen a glimpse of my former self and I smile again. Yeah, I remember her. Can you help me remember her?

Sara meets the city

Tomorrow I begin a big girl job in the city of Chicago and I fear I will fall in love with a place that's felt like home for quite some time. For about four months, I will live with a friend and intern at an entertainment agency. Of course I will continue my job search for something more permanent...but in the meantime, I'm going to enjoy being a young 20-something in the greatest city on earth (well, in my opinion).

I'll share more to come...

A Long and Windy Road

Hello readers (if there are any left out there)...

Sometimes I don't blog when I want to because I feel like it will be a "negative" or "unhappy" post. Truth is that's how life can be a mix of emotions. I've had several amazing experiences thanks to my friends in the Chicago area. It's been good to reconnect with old friends and meet new ones. I'm both inspired and thankful for those who have stood with me and supported me.

Have I told you yet how much I miss April? In some strange way, I want to find a job and rebuild my life for myself, but also for that little kitty. I know she's happy and loved at my cousin Andrea's, but I miss her and I feel completely silly about it.

I run a 5K on Sunday...let's go Schaller. I haven't been running much so we'll see if/how this will work out for me.

Quotes

When I can't sleep (which is typical these days), I look up quotes from people who are worth quoting because their words mean something to me. Enjoy!

"When pain brings you down, don't be silly, don't close your eyes and cry, you just might be in the best position to see the sun shine." Alanis Morrissette

"Forgive yourself for your faults and your mistakes and move on."

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power." Alan Cohen

"We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversation with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk."Thomas Moore

"Do not think of a painful experience as a dark time in your life. You emerge out of everything learning something or becoming a better person. You realize who your real friends are and how much your loved ones mean to you." Colleen Ho

"No matter where you go or who you become, never forget who helped you get there. There's never a wrong time to pick up a phone or send a message telling your friends how much you miss them or how much you love them."

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.